Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I woke up Wednesday nervous.  Nervous about our follow-up appointment for Thursday.  Nervous about more bad news, or crappy news, or whatever the news is called when it is related to cancer.  I woke up Wednesday, wishing it was already Thursday.  I don't like the waiting game.  I don't like the waiting game when it is my life on the line.  I don't like waiting on other people's time schedule, but I guess I will learn a little bit of patience through this whole process.
Anyway, Wednesday came.  Wednesday was a little busier.  I got to hang out with my mom.  I drove to get lunch.  I got to pick Boston up from school.  I drove out to my sister's house to spend some time with her and her boys.  It was nice to get out of the house.  It was nice to have the help.  It was nice to be preoccupied with family visits until late into the night.  It was nice to laugh, and talk, and forget about cancer for just a minute.
As mentioned in a previous post, my dreams are bombarded with conversations about cancer.  So once again, I went to bed on Wednesday night and dreamed about cancer.  This time my dream was about my visit with the doctor, and her telling me I was at a Stage IV.  However, I had another dream about my sister-in-law having a baby.  Which her last baby was born 5 years ago.  So I sent her a text this morning telling her of my dreams, and her follow-up text was perfect..."See, dreaming about me having another baby just proves your dreams have absolutely no basis in reality! :)"  I'll take whatever hope I can get for good news, so that response was perfect for me to help pull me out of my funk as I got ready this morning.  As I got ready to go face my surgeon and hear the results of how my surgery went.
My appointment was at 11:15.  I spent the morning getting ready.  Playing with kids.  Talking to friends about a fundraiser (info on that shortly).  Doing everything I can to not worry about my appointment, but too be honest, I was still nervous.  My mom came to be with my kids, and I drove to the appointment.  On a side note, it's kinda nice to drive again. :)
I arrived at my doctor's office, and the waiting game began again.  Fortunately it wasn't too long, but the wait was there.  I thought I could read a magazine, but really, my attention span isn't that great these days.  I thought I could get caught up on Facebook or e-mails, but again, attention span difficult and energy levels struggling.  I think the reality is starting to really sink in.  I couldn't even focus on a conversation with the hubs.  Sorry Honey.  Just being honest.  Grrr, have we woken up from this nightmare yet!?!
It was finally our turn. We got to our room.  I changed into my fancy gown.  We met with the doctor.  She checked over the incisions and swollen breast.  She was quite pleased with the healing process.  She said things are looking good.  Phew, some good news!
Then she says, "Okay, the pathology results."  This is when I took in a deep breath and was waiting for horrible, horrible, no good, very bad news.  Remember, I've built this appointment up in my mind the past few days.  Fortunately, it wasn't all bad news.  There was some good news.  As good as news can get when you're dealing with cancer.  Hey, we'll take whatever good news we can get!  The good news, she was able to get clear margins from the lumps that she removed.  One of them was only a 0.3 mm margin, but we'll take it.  The other lump was a 2.5 mm margin.  Meaning, the outer areas of the tissue that she removed didn't have cancer.  So she got it all at that point.  Also, she removed five lymph nodes from my arm pit, and only 2 of those 5 tested positive for cancer! Wahoo!  This means that she doesn't have to remove anymore.  See, cancer sucks all of the way around, but hey good news can come from crappy situations. :)
Now the bad news.  The micro-calcifications that she removed, from the hook wire procedure, that were pretty much my breast from nipple down, didn't get clear margins.  Meaning she did not remove all of that cancer.  Because of this, she feels confident that she can go back in for another "lumpectomy" and remove the additional tissue/calcifications/cancer that is still in my breast.  She feels that we can try for the clear margins now, or most likely have a complete mastectomy after treatment is over.
The decision is up to me.  The decision is based upon if I want to keep my breast or not.  Reconstruction will be in our future either way, so it depends on how much of myself I want to be mine or a procedure.  There isn't anything wrong with either way, except my own personal thoughts and feelings on the matter.  My personal thoughts are this...I don't want cancer to define me.  I don't want cancer to be who I am.  I don't want to have the daily reminder of what I went through.  I don't want a part of me to be missing.  To lose feeling.  To lose sensation.  I want to be me.  I want to be a survivor.  I want to be able to enjoy my older years without the constant reminder of what cancer took from me.  So, the decision is up to me.  I've been put on the surgery schedule for Wednesday, November 6th.  So now I have to decide if I for sure want to postpone starting my treatment another two weeks, if I am okay with losing my complete breast or not, and if I'm okay with taking another week off of work.
The additional  bad news is that the cancer in the calcifications is a different cancer than what is/was in the lumps. What!?!  I didn't know that was possible.  Anyway, the cancer from the calcifications is know as Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS).  The good news with this cancer is that is is formed in the milk ducts and stays in the milk ducts.  The good news about mine is that it is deep, and my surgeon feels that she can get it all removed with the additional surgery.  As I said before, cancer sucks no matter what way you look at it, but there is some  better news, hopeful news, that keeps the battle going. 
So, if I, and Ian, agree to do the additional surgery on Wednesday, this means that we will start chemo the week after Thanksgiving instead of the week before.  We are still waiting to meet with our oncologist to get an exact idea of what treatment will look like, but we do know that chemo, herceptin, radiation, and tamoxifen are a for sure thing.  We just don't exactly how aggressive.  However, I do hope and feel that it will be pretty aggressive.  My surgeon tells us we are dealing with an aggressive cancer, and two cancers at that, so I'd rather hit it and hit it hard.  I want to get this process over with the first time around!  You know, after the second surgery. :)