Just Keeping it REAL!!!

I used to live in a time warp where there never seemed to be enough time, but now my time warp has switched it up, and time seems to be moving slower than molasses! So, it has been a day over 2 weeks since the diagnosis. TWO WEEKS! Feels like we've  been living this nightmare FOREVER!  It's been 6 days since the surgery.  Recovery seems to be going well, but I wish it was going faster.  I'm still quite sore and swollen, but I can move my arm more.  However, the more I'm up and active, the more tired and "dead" my arm gets and feels.  When I say dead, it just kind of hangs there.  I have to consciously move it.  I'm hoping it's not permanent damage, and is just this way while I am recovering.

I wanted to write this post to express some of the real feelings that I have been having lately.  I find myself napping everyday. LOVE IT! However, I wake up grumpy and angry from every nap and nights sleep that I have.  Sleeping used to be an escape for me.  An escape from reality.  An escape from the homework load waiting for me.  An escape from fighting and whining kids.  An escape from the daily demands.  Unfortunately, my escape has  been bombarded with dreams of cancer! WHAT!?! I don't want to dream about that! I want to dream about a beach vacation to Hawaii, or a family vacation to Disneyland, or rainbows and unicorns, anything BUT cancer.  I dream about me talking to someone about cancer, or someone providing more information about cancer, or cancer, cancer, cancer.  It's thrown in my face when I'm awake, and it is now thrown in my face when I sleep!  I realize it's my new reality, and I'm accepting it, but please, I don't want it on my mind 24/7!

So, I wake up from my naps grumpy and angry.  I lay in bed for about 5-10 minutes having my own little pity party, going over all of the things that make me angry.  It's a long list, and I thought it might help getting it out in the open.
1. The first thing is just having cancer and then having to dream about it! I'm 31. I shouldn't be going through this.
2. I get grumpy that I just wasted the past 2.5 plus hours sleeping. I get grumpy because I feel like I should be doing more. I don't know if it is the cancer that is causing me to sleep, the recovery from surgery, or a depression.  Either way, I need sleep, and it is turning into a love/hate relationship.
3. I wake up grumpy because I feel helpless in my recovery.  Now it may sound nice to be able to relax in my pajamas all day while family members and friends are taking care of my children, making my family dinner, and cleaning my house. I am indeed grateful, but it reminds me of how helpless I really am, and furthermore reminds me of what's to come.
4.  I get grumpy about all of the alternative medicine nonsense that I read about on the Internet.  Don't tell me there is a cure for cancer, but the pharmaceutical companies just want to make their billions of dollars.  Don't tell me that all I need to do is eat this or that and my cancer will be cured.  Don't tell me that it is my fault that I have cancer because I smoke, drink, am overweight, have a crappy immune system, hormone imbalance, or that I eat too much damn sugar! I don't fit that stereotype. Never have. Never will! So all of that alternative medicine nonsense is just that, nonsense. I turned to modern medicine for my diagnosis, so I will continue to use modern medicine for my treatment.  If there is a cure for cancer, then the alternative medicine doctors and the modern medicine doctors  need to stop wasting their energies proving the other wrong, and use their energies to work together and provide the cure for public use.
5.  I get grumpy that I have caused people to worry and be concerned about me. I am grateful for all of the love and support, but I am saddened by the sadness that I cause other people.
6.  I get grumpy thinking about the future.  I get grumpy thinking about ruining the holidays for my kids.  I get grumpy about not being around as much these next few months.  I get grumpy that I am going to miss out on so much, and that I have to leave the extra work for my husband and family and friends to take over.

Let's just say, there are a lot of thoughts that can make me grumpy.  I feel it is normal and understandable.  I feel it is necessary.  But from one breast cancer survivor to another, I "pull up my panties and move along."  I have to.  I have to enjoy these moments now with my children.  I have to steal a hug and a kiss whenever I can.  I have to read to them at bedtime.  I'm sick, but don't FEEL sick, so I still need to behave as if life is normal.  So, I have my pity party every time I wake up for about 5-10 minutes, and then I get up and bask in all of the blessings I have been given.

I have been blessed to be able to spend my days with one of my favorite ladies, My Mama!

I have been able to spend some time with my Sisa.  She had to go back to work this week, so I  miss her now.  Hopefully she can play again soon and we can watch a few more old school movies. :) 

She helps me to giggle when times are tough. Hence, the smiles just before surgery.  I need some funnies again. 

She also gave me this necklace, all three charms, when something big has happened in my life.  The I am Loved one with my children's birthstone when Liv was born, the letter J when my brother Justin died 3 months ago, and now the Breast Cancer ribbon.  She is very thoughtful, and I am  blessed to call her my sister.

My Mama also bought me some new, comfy jamas, so I can look cute when I lounge around all day! I truly am spoiled, blessed, and loved. :)

And it really helps that it is a button-up top! 

My wonderfully awesome friend Heather knew that I didn't have a chance to make my kids' Halloween costumes this year, so she took it upon herself to do it for me.  She has four kids of her own to make Halloween costumes for, but she made the time to make some for my kids as well. Love her. Love the costumes.  It was a relief to have that "Mom Fail" out of the way.

Miss Liv the Peacock

Our Lego Ninjagos!

I've been greatly blessed with daily "thinking of yous," "what can I help you withs," and "how you feeling todays." We've been fed well by family members, ward members, and friends.  My kids have been happily playing with cousins and grandparents.  We have felt strength, love, and comfort from many prayers.

So  yeah, I can be grumpy that I can't shave my armpits, or grumpy that I can't wear a bra, or grumpy that I may have to start stuffing my bra for the first time in my life just to look normal, or I can stop wallowing in my pity and enjoy all of the blessings that have come from this nightmare.  I choose the latter.  Yes, I will cry.  Yes, I will get angry.  Yes, I may even throw some things.  But that emotion will only last for a brief moment, because I have so much more to be happy about!  Especially since it is sweatshirt season, bras are optional! ;)